Lord have mercy! It’s Friday Fictioneers again! Every Friday, writers from all around the world write 100 word (or thereabouts) flash fiction based on a photo posted that Wednesday on Madison Wood’s blog.
Here’s my story this week. I welcome constructive criticism; without it I cannot grow as a writer. Thanks for reading!
Out for a Bit
“Gotta go pack,” he muttered. “Get my suitcase. My laptop.”
“I got it all for you,” I said. “Don’t worry.”
He breathed deep and settled back on the pillow, eyes still closed.
“Bus just pulled up,” he whispered. “Everybody’s getting on.”
“What do they look like? The passengers?” I asked.
“Young. Everybody’s so young,” he said. “Driver’s taking the tickets now. Gotta get my ticket.”
“It’s right there in your hand,” I said. “Who’s the driver?”
“Dad. My dad’s driving.” He frowned slightly. “It’s already getting dark. See you in bit, okay?”
glossarch 
This was a sad one. But then, maybe not. I had to read a few times… I think I got it. Nice.
Aww, that was a sad one Danny. An original take on the concept of ‘journey’. Nice work.
Like Ted, I think I get it but I’m not sure. The dialogue is good.
Excellently subtle. Sounds like he went gently into that dark night.
So I’m not the only one who is not sure about getting it..
I think not getting it isn’t such a bad thing in retrospect… you are lucky to not have witnessed this sort of thing yet!
Very dark interpretation. A bus can be such a bleak image…
Hi Danny,
Had to read your story a few times to understand the full implication. Very dramatiic and dark. Interesting take on the photo. Ron
A few people have mentioned they had to read the story several times before it made sense. Is this a good or a bad thing? Should I be more clear?
I’m all for subtle, Danny, but maybe another hint would help. Not too much because you have a lot of potential.
Powerful, and subtly done, which makes it even more powerful. Great job.
Here’s mine: http://wrasselings.blogspot.com/2012/10/friday-fictioneers-day-trip.html
Must admit, I read it several times and I still don’t get it. Cindy said it’s powerful and subtle….. Hm….sorry, I’m usually not this dense.
oh, now i get it. the guy is dying and talking about what he’s seeing. right? oh, now i like it. before i wasn’t sure what was up. well done. that’s assuming i’m right.
I got it second time through. It was the ‘getting dark’ bit that gave it away. Definitely nothing wrong with that, I like it just the way it is. I think having information at the end that changes your perception of what went before is excellent technique.
At first, I didn’t understand it. But after reading the comments I read it again and liked it very much.
Dear Danny,
This was a well written and powerful piece. Though I, too, had to read it several times i don’t think you should change a thing. once it becomes clear it cannot be unseen ad therein lies its impact.
Aloha,
Doug